DAY TWENTY ONE ~ MEETING TWENTY ONE
OPEN TOPIC-FITTING IN
I am grateful that I really don't have a topic from the meeting to write about, especially for this particular meeting. This was only my second time there. Because of my children, the time for this meeting is much better than some of the others, so I went to it with few other options left today. The last time I was at the meeting, I didn't speak because I was terrified. Now, new situations can do this to me, but this was even more than just a new situation. I don't feel as though I "fit in."
I should explain that this is an online meeting that goes along with an email loop that I belong to. Since I was first welcomed to the group, I haven't felt quite at home. I keep hoping this feeling will change and I keep posting, but to open my mouth in the meeting to share would be too much for me right now. So I sit there and think "I know they don't want me here" or "I bet they are talking about me in private messages on the side." I will admit that I cut out 5 minutes early. Not only because my kids were screaming, but also because it was an easy excuse to not have to try to have fellowship after the meeting.
This is not something that is secluded to online meetings or new situations; it is something that I let myself feel all of the time. It really doesn't matter how much I am welcomed or treated as one of a group, I always feel like I am on the outside. This is a battle inside me of my own making.
Until tomorrow ~
I'm Kim
© Copyright 2003 THE ODAT GROUP All rights reserved
