DAY FORTY FOUR~ MEETING FORTY FOUR
CONTROL
The meeting today had a topic from the AA Big Book, 4th edition, page 30. It said:
"We know that no real [compulsive overeater] ever recovers control. All of us have felt at times that we were regaining control, but such intervals--usually brief--were inevitably followed by still less control, which led in time to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization. We are convinced to a man that [compulsive overeaters] of our type are in the grip of a progressive illness."
I still have it in my head sometimes that I can regain control of my eating, along with everything else in my life. These thoughts are like little voices saying, "come on, Kim, it's been a week and you've been abstinent. You don't need those meetings. You don't need God. You don't need those email loops and you certainly don't need to read any of that literature or talk to your sponsor." Sometimes I listen to the darn things!
I know it is a fact that I have to give up control to recover, but I don't want to give it up! Of course, I want to recover, but I like that feeling of being in control even though I never really was. Amazing how the more control I thought I had, the less I did. I never had control over others and I may have had control at one point of my eating and my other actions, but if I did, I don't remember it. So why try to hang onto something that was never really there… it was just all in my imagination and I must have had a big one!?
Until tomorrow ~
I'm Kim
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