Chapter 8 - To Wives

Chapter Eight
To Wives

ASSIGNMENT:
Read Chapter Eight - "To Wives"
Respond To Questions About This Reading
Text of "To Wives "

The chapter "To Wives" was written in the early days of Alcoholics Anonymous when it was assumed that the alcoholic in the home was likely to be the husband. This presents an interesting twist for those studying the Big Book because the majority of us in Overeaters Anonymous are women. In fact, men were not initially allowed to join OA. Its members had voted to close OA to men due to the "delicate" nature of the talk at meetings. They were not allowed to join OA until mid 1962 when OA merged with another 12-step program that was then called Gluttons Anonymous.
When reading "To Wives", it may be helpful to not only substitute the word food for alcohol and compulsive eater for alcoholic, but also to substitute husbands or loved ones for wives in the text. As in all chapters in the Big Book, every sentence seems laden with meaning and insight into our disease and how it affects those around us. I read the Big Book quite often yet on every new reading, I find more bits of wisdom that had previously been hidden from me. It is outside the scope of this study group to offer a comprehensive look at everything within this chapter, so I hope I'll be forgiven for selecting just a few passages on which to base the questions to this assignment.

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"Our loyalty and the desire that our husbands hold up their heads and be like other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments. We have been unselfish and self-sacrificing. We have told innumerable likes to protect our pride and our husband's reputations. We have prayed, we have begged, we have been patient. We have struck out viciously. We have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terror stricken. We have sought sympathy. We have had retaliatory love affairs with other men." p105
"When drinking, they were strangers. Sometimes they were so inaccessible that it seemed as though a great wall had been built around them." p108
"...but in nearly every instance the alcoholic only seems to be unloving and inconsiderate; it is usually because he is warped and sickened that he says and does these appalling things." p108
"It may be slowing him up mentally and physically, but he does not see it. Sometimes he is a source of embarrassment to you and his friends." p109

. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book

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Hi, my name is Thumper, and I'm a compulsive overeater. By the grace of my Higher Power, the 12 Steps of Overeaters Anonymous, and the fellowship of you people in this program, I haven't had the need nor the desire, one day at a time, to take that first compulsive bite. I have the honor of leading the Big Book Study for the Month of September, which focuses on Chapter 8 of the AABB entitled "To Wives".

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THE QUESTIONS

1. In what ways have our husbands (or wives) enabled our overeating? What efforts have they made to help us overcome it? Have we driven them away, either physically or emotionally, because of our disease?
2. Did we let them know what we were going through when we were into the food? Did they know of our struggles and our fears, or did we shut them out because of our own shame?
3. How did the way we felt on the inside differ from the way we presented ourselves on the outside to our loved ones? Did we take our anger out on them when it was really the eating and our weight that we were angry about?
4. Were the visible signs and symptoms of our disease seen by family members before we saw them ourselves? How so? Were they ashamed or embarrassed of us?
It is the sharing of our collective experience, strength, hope and wisdom inspired by our reading of this Big Book together that will make a difference in our recovery. I encourage all of you to spend a little time reading it, and even if you don't feel inclined to share your answers to the questions with us, I would hope that something you read there will assist you on your road to recovery.
Love in recovery,
Thumper

Part Two
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ASSIGNMENT:
Read Chapter Eight - "To Wives"
Respond To Questions About This Reading
Text of "To Wives"

When reading "To Wives" it may be helpful to not only substitute the word food for alcohol and compulsive eater for alcoholic but also to substitute husbands or loved ones for wives in the text. There are several threads of thought presented in the second half of this chapter and again I'll ask for understanding that it is outside the scope of this book study to look at and discuss all of them and that I had to pick and choose just a very few.

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"Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his overeating. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero." p111
"If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not a compulsive overeater, we suggest you leave him alone." p113
"Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act, for the more you hurry him the longer his recovery may be delayed." p113
"Still another difficulty is that you may become jealous of the attention he bestows on other people, especially other compulsive overeaters." p119

. . . . . . . . . . . The Big Book

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THE QUESTIONS

1. Did your husband (or wife) ever point out to you that you had a problem with overeating? How did you react to this? Did it help?
2. What measures did we take to prevent our loved ones from interfering with our eating? Did we use anger, guilt, or other manipulations to discourage them from mentioning our food habits or our weight?
3. As our own experience has taught us that no amount of nagging or pressure from our family brought us to recovery any quicker, are we able to use that same insight to increase our tolerance of their difficulties in life? Or do we assume that since we are addressing our obsessions that they should be working on theirs too?
4. How do we balance the OA slogan "abstinence is the most important thing in our lives" with the needs of our mates? Do we let them feel neglected as we focus on our recovery? Do we create situations which leave them feeling left out of our lives?
It is the sharing of our collective experience, strength, hope and wisdom inspired by our reading of this Big Book together that will make a difference in our recovery. I encourage all of you to spend a little time reading it, and even if you don't feel inclined to share your answers to the questions with us, I would hope that something you read there will assist you on your road to recovery.
Love in recovery,
Thumper

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