In this chapter I find myself having to make a conscious effort to substitute the words, "food" and "compulsive overeating" for "alcohol" and "drinking." This may be because some of the physical effects that Dr. Bob suffered, i.e. the "jitters," are problems I never had with food.

What I strongly relate to in this chapter is the phobia about running out of food, and all the energy that went into scoring, hiding and protecting my "stash."

This was a pattern for a lot of my adult life, but became much, more worse when I started living with my husband. It became worse still during the years that I was in and out of abstinence, but never admitting it when I was in the food. My husband probably felt like Bob's wife Ann in some ways. He'd see me gaining weight and know what I was doing, but not know where the food was coming from. Ann would see Bob drunk but not know where the booze came from.

In retrospect I realize that part of my sneaking around with the food was shame about what I was eating, but part of it was actually getting a buzz from being (what I considered) a successful sneak. Sometimes I even wonder if my primary addiction is sneakiness.

I would say today that I do put the same energy into working my program that I did into satisfying my addiction. It was good for me to read this chapter because I have lately felt in a position where I've had to defend the amount of time I devote to my recovery. I need to do this. It does not mean that I don't pursue other interests. It means I have to do what is necessary, and gives me pleasure, because I have a disease that does not respond to any other treatment.

Thank you all for being there.
Love in recovery,

Lee