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That is a question I've been asked over and over for the past several weeks.
My
answer is "just pray. " I keep saying that I don't know enough about what is
going on with me to ask for anything else. What I have finally realized is
that I need a way [to get help for ME! I'm terrified. I have been told
that the cancer is gone, but..... That's where I'm scared.... It's the
BUT's that are eating me alive. Yes I'm strong and courageous, but this is
not a journey I want to take. And to top it all off, my blood sugar is
screwed up. It bottoms out at a moment's notice, leaving me suddenly weak,
sweating, and needing to lie down. My breast hurts. My underarm is tender
and stitches are sticking out, irritating the underside of my arm. I'm
tired and haven't slept much in the past several days.
I don't know what to ask for, but I know I need help. I want to eat sugar
to bring up my blood sugar, but know that's not the answer either. That
will only make it worse because sugar will bottom out on me. During this
entire ordeal, I have not broken my abstinence. Even though I have wanted
to on many occasions, I look at that as something else that I would have to
fight. I'm fighting enough without having to face the guilt of eating
sugar. So what do I do? I eat more than I should on occasion, not
often.
I fight with a puppy who insists on sitting on the back of my chair and
climbing up my arm to get there. Then she either jumps from the floor to
my arm to the back of the chair or down the same way, keeping me constantly
on guard.
She is put outside more times that I can say. She isn‘t even mine!
I'm angry because I got cancer. I can remember as a teenager, getting
breasts and my fear was losing one or both. Now I have had to face just
that. I'm
angry because I've already had to deal with so many things in my life, why
this? When is enough ,enough???? I hate this.
What do I need? I need someone to hold me. Someone to let me cry. Someone
to let me scream. Someone to let me vent my anger. I need safety. I need
just to know that needing this is okay. I know I'm okay and will be fine.
But
right now I just need to let people help me and I don't know how to do that.
I've always had to take things in my own hands and be in control. I need
to let someone else be in control.
~ Lee Anne
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