~ Where I Live Is Inside Myself ~

Dear Friends on our Journey ~ ~ ~

My name is Mari and I am a grateful recovering compulsive overeater. Each day I put my thoughts, feelings and observations about my life into a journal. Doing this has made me look at myself and my disease through the eyes of reality and, in doing so, has given me hope. I call this my Journey to Recovery and I appreciate your letting me share it with you.

"We carry our homes within us
Which enables us to fly."

John Cage

I used to think that when things were really tough in my life that I could simply pack up and move to another place and everything would be alright. I find it unbelievable that I was once so naive that I thought by simply moving from one geographical location to another, my life would magically change, my problems would disappear and I would live happily ever after.

There is no such thing as a geographical cure. It took me the better part of a lifetime to realize that. I lived in one place for more than twenty five years. I moved into that house on that little circle of other houses when my four children were very small .... and there I stayed for a quarter of a century. Probably a thousand times I said to myself that if I could just move from that house into my dream house, all my problems would be solved.

One day I did move into my dream house. And guess what? All my problems were not solved. Nothing changed. Everything that mattered was exactly the same. Oh .... I now had a beautiful home with more room. We had space for gardens and a beautiful view. There were bathrooms all over the place and every possible convenience anyone would ever want. But nothing of importance was changed.

Why didn't I realize that? Why did I spend so many years thinking that a simple house in a different location could possibly make a difference in my life? The reason? I had a disease. I was deep, deep, deep in the disease of compulsive overeating. Of addiction.

WHERE I LIVE IS INSIDE MYSELF. And if that miserable disease is living in there with me, there is no way in God's heaven a simple geographical change is going to help make any substantial changes whatsoever. When one lives inside oneself, we must change from the inside out ... not the outside in.

It is my opinion based on living in this world for a long time that the only way a person can change emotionally, spiritually and physically is by living the Twelve Steps. And by being Abstinent. And by loving oneself. They must all come together. And one of the reasons I write my journal and one of the reasons I am sharing it with you is so that some way, somehow all of those things can come together.

The Twelve Steps of Recovery don't just plop down in your lap one day. Abstinence doesn't just hit you over the head. And looking in the mirror and saying "I love you" isn't going to MAKE you love you. It's going to require peeling the onion ... one layer at a time .... one day at a time.

So ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ let's do it.

Let's get on with it.

Dear God,

If I am to be all I can be
In this lifetime ...
If I am to accomplish what
I need to accomplish ...
If I am to be free of this
disease I've been living with
for so long ...
I must ask for your help.
And you must give it to me.

The Recovery Group

Copyright © 1998, The RECOVERY Group