Dear friends in recovery,

Welcome to the May edition of Serendipity! I hope that you enjoy the newsletter of the Recovery Group each month ~ and, if you do, that you will take the time to share your experience, strength and hope with all of us. All written contributions to Serendipity can be sent to SerendipityNewsletter@yahoo.com. As I myself have heard so often, you can only keep it if you give it away!

In this month's edition, TRG founder Mari shares her thoughts on Tradition Four, and The Recovery Group's loops living together in harmony under the guidelines. Writing for the administrators of TRG, Cate expresses "gratitude to the many people who share their recovery through service." Our loop spotlight of the month is Alanon and Recovery, whose mission statement lets us know that the loop is for compulsive eaters who love or live with an alcoholic. This month in Danny's Corner, in his conversation with God, Danny explains "easier the mountains than sand in our shoes." In the Tools of Recovery, we have included a share from Lifeline's May 2000 issue about the joys that abstinence brings.

In the section dedicated to shares from Recovery Group members, Jo talks of the fear she lived with before recovery, Chris P. talks about the power of recovery, Deborah H. writes about the gift of balance, and Lizzie writes about true friendship.

In the Literature section, you will find The Promises from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous as a constant reminder of what is possible, as well as Step Five from Reflections on the Twelve Steps of Recovery. This month's edition ends with a list of on-line meetings, OA and TRG contacts, and the Serenity Prayer.

I am grateful that all of you are here in this wonderful cyberworld of recovery, and that we are all on the road to recovery together. Peace, my dear friends.

~ FOUNDERS CORNER ~

TRADITION FOUR

The Recovery Group is made up of many dozens of loops, meetings and services. We are a community bound by the diversity of each of our entities. Tradition Four states that "Each group should be autonomous except in matters affecting other groups or The Recovery Group as a whole." This is why when you join a certain loop, it may have a completely different "flavor" than another loop. When you attend one of our meetings on Monday morning and another on Thursday night, you might feel you're in two different places. This is because each of our loops have the freedom to do what works best for them. UP TO A POINT.

If a group or meeting decides they want to throw out anonymity because that works best for them, that is not an option. TRG has guidelines and even the autonomy of one of our loops does not take precedent over these guidelines. Our guidelines represent the glue that holds us all together and to make changes for one affects all of us. Some of our loops have wanted to restrict membership and be autonomous in that way. We can't do that. Our guidelines state clearly that the only requirement for joining a Recovery loop is the desire to stop eating compulsively. To ask someone why they're joining and make a judgment and restrict that person affects our community as a whole and violates our guidelines. There are numerous other examples.

Acting autonomously does not negate living together in harmony. We can have a loop for diabetes or abuse victims and the members of those loops have the freedom to not just focus on their compulsive eating but also share their experience, strength and hope on these secondary issues.

Finally, our Trusted Servants leading these loops realize that many of the members who join them are brand new to the Recovery Group and Twelve Step recovery. They take care that their group's attitude and actions may affect this newcomer greatly .... and, as a result, may also affect the overall impression of others toward the Recovery Group.

~ FROM OUR ADMINISTRATORS ~

Dear Friends in Recovery ~

The Recovery Group has so many avenues for the sharing of recovery, and on each of those roads there are many dedicated people who reach out to others along the way! We would like to take a moment this month to express our gratitude to the many people who share their recovery through service.

TRG currently has 45 loops for recovery sharing, as well as the ICQ and IM connections. These loops are supported by Coordinators and Trusted Servants, and the many members who reach out by sharing their questions and ESH.

We currently have 63 weekly meetings, all supported by the meeting leaders, substitute leaders, meeting assistants, and the many participants who attend these meetings and share their recovery.

There are also so many other people who reach out to all of us by sharing their recovery ... the Telephone Angels, the Sponsors, the Editors, the Web Servants, the Meditation Authors, and so many others ... so many people sharing recovery!

What a wonder it is to be a part of this community of recovery sharing! A special thanks to each of you, as you live and share your recovery each day, and bring to life these important words from the AABB (p.164):

"Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you - until then."

~ LOOP SPOTLIGHT ~

~ Alanon And Recovery ~

Alanon and Recovery is a Twelve Step email discussion loop for compulsive eaters who love and/or live with an alcoholic. While we are not affiliated with either Alanon, OA or AA, many of our members are. We are a fellowship of men and women whose lives are affected by the abuse of alcohol by a family member or friend. The primary message of Alanon and Recovery is "Keep the Focus on Ourselves". By working our own program of recovery we are able to "detach with love" from the alcoholic in our life.

Dear God,

There is so much to be thankful for today as everyday I enjoy the gifts You provide for me. Brunch with the family on Sunday was marvelous, and I felt so complete when all the grandbabies were all vying for my attention. I'll bet You feel that way too, when we come to You for love and affection. I am sad we did not get to the beach, but it was probably too hot anyway.

As I look back over all the years since my original sobriety and Abstinence, one very important fact jumps out at me. It was during the hard times that my attitudes were in-line with You, and not eating was easier, and the good times were rough for food problems. Now my life is great and eating compulsively does not enter the picture. You have given me yet another miracle in my life -- there is no end to Your generosity. To sum it up, I say, as the old wise man told me many years ago, "mountains we climb easily, it's the sand in our shoes we trip over."

Please take over the ladies in my family and this wedding extravaganza taking place soon. I listen to them argue and fight over hemlines, and who needs longer or shorter, and what if this or that. Everything is a major catastrophe. The groom asked me what to do? I laughed and told him to stay out of the way and do as told. If that does not work, HIDE!!!!

As I sit here gabbing away with You, the clock tells me to hurry up, but it feels so good and easy to talk to You. The clock be damned. There was a time when talking to my God was not so easy, that's when I still wanted those old comfortable character defects, which by the way I am at times inclined to fall back into. I also know that as I love my children even when they are doing wrong that You love me even more. Now that's a warm fuzzy feeling.

Please watch over my family, friends, loop buddies, those who still suffer, and especially the people in my life who have harmed me, and relieve me of any resentments I have toward them. Thanks for yet another day.

Daily writing helps me feel more serene. It helps me see that life is good, and I have a lot to be grateful for. I'm grateful that I don't "pass out" at night because I've binged. I'm grateful that I gently fall asleep after doing my Tenth Step. I'm grateful that when I reach for the alarm clock in the morning, I don't have to worry about knocking empty wrappers on the floor.

I am grateful for the growth I continue to experience. When I entered the doors of OA, all I wanted to do was stop eating. Because I kept coming back, I received much more. I learned I had a friend in my HP. I made peace with my family and myself. I started living instead of focusing on wishing I were dead. I cleaned my house. I became successful and well liked at work. I made many close friends in OA. I volunteered in the community. I started a garden. I decorated my house. I could go on and on. Recovery is sweet, and it gets better and better as I keep coming back. Thank you, HP!

Reprinted from Lifeline, May 2000, Volume 28, No. 5 (Anonymous, edited and reprinted from Cocoon newsletter, Milwaukee Area Intergroup, March 1999)

Each day that I work my OA program, my ability to deal with life in a healthy, spiritual and mature manner is strengthened. This is not pie in the sky. This is stuff that can be measured, seen and touched.

Before OA, fear was my constant companion. Fear to begin because I might make a mistake. Fear to do or go because someone might laugh. Fear to make decisions because it might be wrong. Fear to express opinions because others might find it strange. Fear kept my mouth closed to expressing myself. I checked with others first to see if it was funny, sad or impolite. My reaction came after others expressed their reaction, so I could be part of the group.

This haunts me yet. I'm better. At least I now decide when to laugh. I have given an opinion or two and was not laughed out the door. And if I were, what would happen? It's my opinion and that's all it is. Faith in myself is the biggest gain since entering OA.

I was what others wanted me to be. An easy going, non-threatening, non-opinionated person, easily swayed and ready to please others with no regard to my own feelings. I would laugh at those who took time to find themselves. I am still looking. It will be a life-long hunt. I keep changing and that is good. I am changing each day into a better person, able to deal successfully with life most of the time.

The Power of Recovery

Today is 21 years of blessed, back to back imperfect abstinence. Only God, and the Steps, could have saved this one.

I was a morbidly obese child, adolescent and young adult. I truly believed the Tab commercials that suggested thinness equals happiness. I totally relate to the gym clothes memories, the thighs chafing, the "fatty fatty two by four" that rang out as I walked by.

When I got to OA, I was a terrified, scrawny, 35 year old, who was purging 55 thousand calories a day. Ten, twenty, thirty times a day, I would eat as much as I could hold, get rid of it, and start over ........... is that the life? Oh, and on top of that, add periodic alcohol binges, and two to three packs of cigarettes a day. At 17 years old, I began the process of progressive and often fatal purging. By thirty five, I was a pro.

Today, thanks to God, complete honesty and accountability about my food, copious amounts of inventories, some service to others, regular meeting attendance, the truth (even when it is really embarrassing), and a whole lot of grace, I live a life beyond my wildest dreams.

It is, of course, not without heartache, loss, depression, spiritual voids, moments of terror, etc. You told me when I got here that if I worked the program I would feel better. You didn't tell me that you meant I would feel EVERYTHING better. Believe me, the prize far outweighs the price.

The Gift of Balance

I do not think of myself as merely a compulsive eater. I am a compulsive talker, a compulsive breather, a compulsive thinker. Everything I do, if left to my own nature, is done compulsively. For me, recovery is not simply freedom from compulsive eating, but compulsive being. I have learned that to be a compulsive person is to lack balance.

Balance is that middle road of sanity, and reason. Balance is perspective, seeing things as they really are, without minimizing or over-reacting. I lack balance in every area of my life. Because I am compulsive, everything is all or nothing. Either I have perfect abstinence or I binge, there can be nothing in between. Either everyone loves me, or everyone is talking about me behind my back. If I cannot do a thing perfectly, I will not do it at all.

This warped way of thinking is applied to every situation in my life and is the standard for every relationship. Eventually everything falls apart because nothing in life is perfect, at least not for long. I even have difficulty recognizing truth when I see it. I cannot be satisfied with losing four pounds a month because my expectation was to lose 20.

Like a deaf person learning to speak, I must learn balance artificially. I use God, my sponsor, and my husband as sounding boards. I get a second opinion because my vision is skewed. Or it used to be. As I have grown, I have learned balance, but it still does not come naturally. I remember when first in program, I asked my sponsor ten times a day if a feeling was rational. At first, it hardly ever was. Then came the time when she could confirm my suspicion that my thinking was fuzzy. One day I did not need to ask; I could recognize my own irrationality and correct it for myself.

I now have a mechanism which automatically screens my perceptions for lack of balance. Oh, I still find it lots of times. But I have also experienced the joy of being able to shrug off an insult (real, not imagined) and the peace of being satisfied with the best I can do. I hardly ever worry about who likes me, and I figure those people laughing are listening to a good joke. That ability to put things in perspective is a real gift; I am grateful for it every day.

"A Friend is a Gift you give yourself."
Robert L. Stevenson