My name is Meg and I am the new loop coordinator for the Abstinence and Emotions loop. I want to say how much I understand where we all have been and the pain we have experienced. I have been a recovering COE for over a year but have been caught in the bonds of food addiction my entire life.

Since I walked into a face to face meeting a year ago, I have been on a roller coaster of food plans, abstinence, bingeing and program/step work. I never fully and truly realized that I was in the grips of a true disease until very recently. This disease operates in the most primitive level of my brain and all the willpower I can muster can't override the instinctive urges I experience to eat in order to soothe and comfort my emotions. There is something chemically wrong in my brain when it comes to food. I cannot change it. But through the OA program, I have the tools and knowledge available to me to understand this and I have the ability to treat my disease.

I feel there are 3 ways to treat this disease -

#1. ABSTINENCE through a food plan or specific food elimination.

#2. Spiritual recovery through a relationship with a power greater than myself and the willingness to surrender my entire life to that power.

#3. Emotional recovery through working the steps, attending meetings and connecting with other COEs, I will find peace and serenity in my life and mind.

I believe that acceptance and surrender are the real keys to this program and recovery. I can't work this program alone, and in my loops and in my face to face meetings I find the support and strength to aid in my recovery.

In the beginning of my OA life I was cocky and thought that my problem with food wasn't nearly as deep or dangerous as that of the others who sat in the room with me. HP has given me the insight to finally and truly understand that I am just as sick/ill and WEAK as every other COE in this world. It is in the weakness that we will all find peace from COE and discover the true joys of living a life free of food obsession.

Please know that this loop is where you can vent your innermost feelings, thoughts, frustrations, desires and joys! We are all bound together by the grip of COE and we all desire the same end result - RECOVERY!!! We can only do it TOGETHER. I invite you all to share and share and share - share your hearts outs!!!

Being the new coordinator of this loop is part of my recovery and a service I am happy to do. I feel this new position will be a great help to me and I hope that I will fulfill all the needs of this loop. If there is ever a way I can improve the loop or my style I invite you all to contact me personally at SAMIBABIE@aol.com.

I only ask one thing of everyone... that our sharing be honest and straightforward. We gain nothing by hiding or dressing up our emotions and issues.

I plan to share daily, and my style will be up front and straightforward. Recovery is found in TRUTH.

May you all find peace today.
Love, Meg

There are times in life when you ask for something and then think, "Oh no! He is in the room." And sure enough the answer that comes is anything but that which you want to hear. Ugh!! Sometimes I ask myself, "Does that person really want or need an answer? Do I have the right answer or the right to answer?" These are the questions to the questions, and my brain hurts when these thoughts come. The questions are, however, both important and answerable. My sponsor told me so.

When we fail to share of ourselves, some small piece of us dies. Gone forever. What a waste! Fearful as I may be that one or more people will find my answer distasteful, maybe one person will be saved for one more day. So be it. It is with this in mind I speak to those who still diet and whine that IT is not working, not for them. When asked if they are trying, the answer comes swiftly regarding their food plan de jour. They cry, "Why does it not work?"

It is then that we discover the absence of meetings, reading, writing, sponsorship (both ways), service, telephone, and let us not forget ABSTINENCE, which is an important tool as well as a service. When questioned, we learn that the fellow complaining certainly has done few, if any, of the Steps or BB work required to be in recovery. I know many who read this will shrug it off and come up with some gem like "take what you want and leave the rest," and my favorite, "there are no musts in this program." Both of these statements are, of course, true, except when bastardized or abused. I am trying here to tell you that half a program will produce half a recovery ... then full blown relapse and that wailing sound of "IT DOESN'T WORK!"

Which is true when you don't work it.

AND WHY NOT?

Danny

Tradition Three: The only requirement for OA membership is a desire to stop eating compulsively.

This Tradition means that OA is open to everyone who wants to seek recovery. It isn't an exclusive club only available to those people who are following a particular diet, who are attending a certain number of meetings or who meet some secret requirement.

The beauty of this tradition is that it allows each of us to find our own way in recovery, to work the program in the way that is best to us. Yes, each of us is given the same eight tools and the same twelve steps. But the precise configuration of those tools and the time frame of the steps are up to each of us.

Person "A" may enter OA, immediately become abstinent, get a sponsor and work the steps. "A" calls the sponsor three times a week, attends two meetings a week, makes one or two calls a week, and begins working the Steps. Person "B" may also get a sponsor, attend meetings daily, but may find the food is still a struggle much of the time. "B" reaches Steps 8 and 9 in three months and only then is able to achieve abstinence. Person "C" may begin OA by attending a meeting every week and become abstinence quickly, but not take a sponsor for several months and only then begin working the steps. On the other hand, "D" attends 3 meetings each week, makes frequent outreach calls, gets a sponsor, works the steps from the beginning but struggles with food for years before becoming abstinent and attaining a normal size.

Is only one of these people working the "right" program and the others doing it "wrong?" No, they are all being led along the path of recovery by their own Higher Power. Each of us has a personal HP to guide us, and we must each allow the gradual growth and change that brings about ultimate recovery.

What works for me today may not work tomorrow. I may need more or fewer meetings, a more rigid or more flexible plan of eating, a mental 10th step or a written one. But the key is that in OA, there is a place for me to grow, to change, and to become the vision that God has for me. This is true for each of us.

We are all welcome. Whatever our needs, whatever our program, the Twelve Steps can find a place for each of us. Welcome to Overeaters Anonymous, welcome home.

If it were not for repeated requests to the JTR loop (and all the loops) by the Serendipity editor, Suzanne, I would not be writing this! I don't feel writing is a gift my HP has bestowed upon me, but I'm choosing to do it anyway and will consider it service rather than people-pleasing (one of my former pastimes!).

I first came to OA 14 years ago at the direction of my therapist. I had been guiltily practicing bulimia (I'm a nurse and did know better), and had finally sought out help. I attended many BA and OA meetings during those first four years, had a couple of sponsors, worked the first three steps over and over again, and did a fourth step twice. Soon after I completed the second 4th step, our very small local OA group collapsed. As I am writing this I am realizing that I have been carrying some guilt about that. The group had been using the OA HOW format. Half the group wanted to stick with that, and the rest of us wanted to use the regular OA format. We did a group conscience and decided to switch, but soon after, those who wanted to stick with the HOW format refused to come to the meetings anymore. It left only three of us, and eventually people stopped coming.

During the next ten years I and a couple of other people attempted, several times, to get OA meetings going, but they were not well attended and eventually petered out as well. Looking back, I realize that I never was able to maintain any abstinence because I only worked the first four steps, I never read anything but the OA 12&12, I didn't use any of the other tools, my sponsors had no more ESH or abstinence than I, and we were like the blind leading the blind! None of us even knew we should read the Big Book!

In between all those OA attempts I was busy trying to find an easier, softer way. I did IT ALL. Books, diets, pills, herbals, hypnosis, exercise and plastic surgery. I was a yo-yo! My weight fluctuated up and down so many times I can't even begin to count anymore. And during it all, food obsession was my constant companion. It was the first thing I thought of upon awakening, it was always on my mind no matter what I was doing during the day, and it kept me awake each night. It was a permanent torment.

Finally, in the depths of depression and despair, it suddenly dawned on me that maybe OA was on the internet now (what do you want to bet that my HP was somehow involved!). I immediately got on line, did a search, and found The Recovery Group. I can't possibly express how overjoyed I was to find TRG. I was so overcome with gratitude at having a way to attend meetings that I cried all the way through the first one I experienced on-line. I lurked for a while on the two loops I joined and soon gathered the courage to reply to posts, and finally to share myself. It was so wonderful to once again share with others who understood and also struggled with this disease. At first I was unwilling to give up my seat on the pity potty, and I kept waiting for the 'right time' to start working the steps and getting abstinent. Luckily there were many supportive people who were willing to let me whine, and who still continued to encourage me to get going.

I read the first 3 steps and prayed, and on May 1st, at last, I decided it was time to 'just do it.' And much to my absolute shock, on that day, my HP gave me a gift I really never believed was possible. I was thinking and praying, and all of a sudden I felt this - how to describe? A lifting up, a light and free floating feeling along with a giving up and letting go feeling all at the same time. And following that the obsession was gone. No more little voices in my head constantly yakking at me to go eat this and that. No more eating a meal and then being compelled to finish off the leftovers, whatever else was in the refrigerator, and then on to the pantry. No more runs to the store to buy all my binge foods, and then not being able to even wait until I got home before I got started on them. All of it - gone. To this day I still can't really take it all in - that I have truly been relieved of it. All I know is that my HP truly did for me what I couldn't, for my entire life, do myself.

Now, each day I thank HP for this gift, I work the steps to the very best of my ability, I use all the tools and I am grateful. Grateful to my HP, to Mari for having created this wonderful haven, to all the trusted servants who continue to keep it going, to my sponsor, to each and every person I come into contact with here, and for each precious day of abstinence.

The phrase 'home is where your heart is' comes to my mind often. Deep inside I always knew the answer to my problems lay within the twelve steps, and I am so thankful to have finally found my way here. I'm so happy to be home.

When I was in relapse, I really had no idea how to get out. It really seemed impossible to me, so I just kept right on eating and denying the seriousness of my food and TV addictions. For all of you out there still "thinking about getting started," here are a few things I did that helped me get into recovery. I must also acknowledge that my higher power was the true source of my willingness to change.

1. I went to a LOT of meetings and talked about wanting to get abstinent.

2. I realized that I needed help.

3. I got on the scale to get REALLY HONEST WITH MYSELF about my condition.

For me, being 130 lbs. overweight and really looking at that with no excuses got me to wanting to get to a healthy weight.

4. Started seriously looking for a sponsor. I had to put aside most of my irrelevant criteria (I like the person, they are at goal weight, we can relate, we have things in our lives in common, they share my religion, etc.) and realize that I really only had to find three things: a) that they were committed to living the 12 steps, b) that they were abstinent, and c) that they had something I wanted (recovery, serenity, and some weight loss).

5. I connected with an old OA friend who had similar experience with weight loss, recovery, relapse, and recovery again. He and I shared roughly the same degree of weight gains/losses, as well as the agony of starting over. Having someone to follow in their footsteps is a great thing. He made me commit to finding a sponsor by the end of the week. I knew it was do-or-die time, so I made the commitment. It felt so good to call him at the end of the week and say I got a sponsor.

6. I call that sponsor every day.

7. On the first day, I threw out all the binge food. I made a list of my binge foods and surrendered them, and admitted I could go one day at a time without them.

8. I dusted off my old food plan, made a grocery list, and designated a notebook for writing notes and my food for each day.

9. I went grocery shopping to get healthy food in the house. Preparedness is key to living with a food plan.

10. Every night or every morning, I write my food down. I commit to following the plan. "I have a plan. I may not follow it perfectly, but it will save me from two pests, hurry and indecision."

11. I went back to weighing and measuring on an as-needed basis. I don't w/m everything, but if there's a food I get gooney about I measure it. If I'm eating something new and I need to get an idea of a healthy portion, I measure it. I don't measure when eating out.

12. The first week, I had to keep the feelings manageable, so talking with my sponsor really helped. Time warps when you're first getting abstinent. A day can feel like a week, a week like a month, the first 30 days can seem like an eternity. It happens one day at a time.

13. Around day 21, the thought "what's the use, I have so far to go…" crept into my mind. I made a list of reasons to stay abstinent…some selfish, some future-tripping, and many just common sense. I can look at that list anytime I'm feeling weak or doubtful.

14. I pray before every meal, thanking God for the food, and asking Goid to bless it and to please keep me abstinent today.

15. I also had to realize that feeling hungry (REAL I-haven't-eaten-in-six-hours hungry) isn't a bad thing, though it may be scary at times. I just have to watch not getting so hungry that I can't eat moderately. Food tastes better when I'm hungry anyway.

16. Stick with meetings that value abstinence. There are a lot of "chat group" meetings out there that are mainly for socializing rather than getting in there and saying "what are you doing for your recovery today?" or "what are you doing to stay abstinent?"

17. I make a lot of phone calls to talk about: a) what I'm feeling, b) what I'm doing to recover, c) what other people are doing to stay in recovery, and d) getting and giving support.

I can say that getting out of relapse is a long and tedious process, and I really couldn't do it before I was ready. It took me four years to get ready.... Ask yourself "how bad does it have to get before I'm ready?" On the other hand, you can decide to start TODAY. Remember, we have the power to choose at any time to take action. Get the support you need and start!

I HATE YOU SO MUCH. You make my pants tighten so I can't wear the clothes I want. I'm embarrassed of my fat on my stomach. I hate how I feel so full after a binge and it all just sits there. You make me more depressed. I hate the way you make me search frantically through the cabinets and fridge only to feed you. I hate avoiding my friends and family so that you can conquer me more. I hate being the largest woman of all my friends and family. Preventing me from connecting with those people who would have been my friends if you weren't there. I hate constantly having to remember the fat and to make fun of myself in order to keep my sense of humor. I hate everything about you.

You make me feel lazy and sluggish, so I have less energy. I wish I had a single beautiful chin. You make me feel distant from people, as if I have this huge secret that envelopes me. I sometimes hate you so much I want to cut all my fat off and be thin and perky like everyone else. I hate how you make me want to inflict it upon other people because NO ONE DESERVES THIS. I DON'T DESERVE THIS! I hope the worst thing in the world happens to you because it's so horrific and you torture me. LEAVE ME ALONE!

* * *



Dear ED,

You make me part of a group of people that I don't want to be associated with. No one deserves to be in that group.

I HATE how I can feel this bubble of fat around me. I HATE how you give me no motivation. I HATE how you make me feel isolated. I HATE how everything has calories. I HATE that looks are the basis of this society. I HATE how you manifest in my body and refuse to leave. I will make you leave. You have no right to be here.

You have raised my expectations too high. I must face new experiences, be comfortable with myself and other people. You have prevented me from a sex life. I HATE THAT. I have not even kissed anyone because of you. I HATE YOU!!!

Besides you, ED, I love myself. I love my glowing face and smile. I feel

as if they should introduce the rest of my beauty. I love how my intentions are good. I hate how you make me put myself after others. I SHOULD ALWAYS COME FIRST. I AM NOT ALONE!!!

Hi Serendipity readers!

As you know, one of the best ways to keep your recovery is to give it away. Well, here's your chance to give away some of your experience, strength and hope to fellow compulsive eaters worldwide.

The Recovery Group is writing our very own meditations book, called "One Day At A Time," and we need your help. We're looking for submissions for the book. You don't have to be a great author to participate, so don't let that stop you! In case you haven't seen what we've gotten so far, check it out on the Web at: http://recovery.hiwaay.net/meditations/index.html

It's very simple. Here's what to include in your submission:

1. A quote and who said it. 2. Your own ESH concerning the quote. Please try to keep it between 150 and 300 words. 3. A brief meditation beginning with the words "One day at a time..." relating to the quote and your ESH. 4. Let us know whether you want your first name and last initial, just your initials, or "anonymous" used at the end of your piece. 5. Send your submission to the Recovery Meditations committee for evaluation at recoverymeditations@egroups.com

We'll edit only for length and clarity, keeping the spirit of your submission intact. All work becomes the property of the Recovery Group and may be used in the book, on our website, or both.

Speaking of the book, we're also looking for a publisher, so if you're in the publishing business (or happen to know one who'd be willing to work with us) please contact us at the above address.

Thank you, and remember, you may not think you have anything important to say, but your ESH could save the life of a fellow compulsive eater.

Love in recovery, Recovery Meditations Committee