TRG SPEAKER PROGRAM
Personal Stories of Recovery
~ Lanaya ~
Hello all, my name is Lanaya and I am a compulsive overeater. It is always a gift to share this wonderful program.
The Big Book tells us in the Chapter We Agnostics: Lack of power, that was our dilemma. We had to find a power by which we could live and it had to be a power greater than ourselves. Obviously, but where and how were we to find this power? Well, that's exactly what this book is about. Its main objective is to enable you to find a power greater than yourself which will solve your problem. That is an amazing few sentences if you ask me! I knew when I came to the program that I had to find something bigger than me. I was not making it. In chapter five it tells us that our stories disclose in a general way, what we used to be like, what happened and what we are like now. And then it goes on and in the chapter, Working With Others, on page 93, it tells us and it italicizes it, Tell him exactly what happened to you. Stress the spiritual feature freely. I hope that I can accomplish both tonight! LOL.
I did my 5th step with my most wonderful sponsor and we determined that fear, shame, and negative self talk were some of my most harmful character defects. She asked me to write about where they came from. I thought this was a redundant exercise since I knew where they came from. However, I forgot that being abstinent working the steps is a whole new ballgame even for us tried and true old time AA veterans. What a dose of humility this program offers me! Anyway...I was filled with fear as a child. My parents were young, unhappy, ill equipped. My mother did not love me. She raged at me. I internalized the messages I thought she was sending me and who knows if they were accurate or not. All I know is that I felt I was the cause of all her problems. I believed that my very life was the reason hers was so unhappy. I suffered at her rages and was ashamed. I learned to hide who I was. She was afraid I would not be good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, etc. And at the same time I believed that if I ever did anything better than her that it would diminish her. And so I started life very early not good enough, never good enough, and filled with fear of the unknown and for my life. I learned to hide, like I said, who I was. I put on a face to the world. I thought if I could just figure out what you wanted then I could provide that and I would be safe and be loved. It did not work. I heard the words...you do not know anything. You are savages.
You are a wretch. I heard that constantly. At my worst times as an adult I have spoken to myself in horrible ways...I have told myself I was vile and did not deserve to live.
I brought all that with me to alcohol. And I became a teenage alcoholic. I was not obsessed with using food for comfort but food was a big issue in our house. We never had enough. I was hungry often. My mother was angry at me for being hungry. I thought...Alcoholism severely exacerbated my fear, shame, and negative self-talk. I was exploited, raped, used. I hid more and more. I became cold on the exterior while dying on the inside. I got sober and food was a comfort. But it was not a big problem.
Later, when I married and got pregnant and quit smoking and had a baby, food became a huge problem. I was scared to death I would be a horrible parent. I turned to food like I drank alcohol. The similarities could not be missed. I hid food. I ate till I was sick. I got fat. I was ashamed. I was obsessed, thoroughly obsessed. I was in a panic. I sought help in OA. And you were there. But I did not truly understand. I went to lots of meetings…got a sponsor...went on a food plan. But I must tell you that I was on a diet. I had no idea what recovery was and the steps and what it all meant. But at least I was trying. I relapsed. To make a long story short, suffice to say that I worked the steps the best I could and when my children were born and died two years apart, I knew my program was not enough. I knew I needed more. And so I turned to the Big Book and the 12 steps. I went to OA, Al-Anon and AA. I belonged in them all. I lived and breathed the steps and the program and the tools. And I survived. I had some times of freedom from obsession. I survived. I see now that God carried me and has done for me over and over what I could not do for myself. The loss of my children created a crack in a very highly developed defense system and ego. It allowed this program to enter into me. I am not saying that my children died so I could "get" the program, but that is one of the by-products. I knew I was powerless over alcohol. But I could not ever really admit with that same knowledge that I was powerless over food. I thought I had a behavior problem.
When I eventually remarried I was in a fairy tale. I met the man of my dreams. A year into the marriage, it went south. I wanted to die. I met him at my best. I had worked the steps...I was living the promises in my life. I was much better with hiding, shame and fear. They were not my constant companions. When my marriage went south and I wanted to die, I turned to food like I had 20 years earlier. I gained 100 pounds in about 6 months. I scared myself and knew that if I did not get some help, I would start drinking and then I would die and who would take care of my children? I was living in a state where I had found OA wanting and so I did not think it had anything to offer me as a fellowship. I went to eating disorders counseling. It helped. But it was not enough.
I tried Dr Phil. It helped, but it was not enough. I stumbled on TRG and read one of the leaders posting on WTS and was astounded to find someone like me in both programs.
I joined up. I could not get it. Over the prior years I had slowly become more isolated.
I turned away more and more from AA. I was filled with shame about my marriage,
my body, my eating, my betrayal of the steps, my lack of prayer and meditation and what I called my betrayal of the gift that God had given me. And yet I could not make sense
of how I was powerless over food. I did get abstinent. I did go through a number of sponsors and relapses. I would get abstinent and after a few short months or weeks,
I would not be able to deal with my emotions and I would go back to food. It was horrible. I felt like an idiot even though I knew that flew in the face of having an illness.
I was desperate. I got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and something snapped in me.
I had a home loop and those people loved me and they kept on loving me. Somehow, I surrendered.
It became as clear as day to me that I was very powerless over food.
I had eaten myself into diabetes and despite all I had been trying for years, I weighed 368 pounds. I was insane. And so I admitted I was powerless over food. I could see that I tried to control everything. I knew I was afraid to live and breathe. I was afraid all the time. I could see it and feel it. I posted to my home loop everyday, sometimes twice a day. I went to online meetings. I found my sponsor there. She has helped me work these steps and I doubt her sometimes, but I am amazed and so very glad that truly she is a gift. She helps me tremendously. She gets me and that is exactly what I needed. So, I am working the steps with her.
And today, I am not hiding. Who you see is who I am. Period…warts and all. I pray to God to remove my defects of character and to be the person He would have me be…to carry the message of hope the 12 steps bring that through admission of powerlessness honesty and inventory with self and another…trusting in HP and making reparations to those I have harmed in this sick, sick, sick illness. I pray to God that I can live in steps 10, 11 and 12 and be part of the great message and pass it on to those who still suffer.
Lanaya B.
