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Essay
Hi All, Lanaya here, COE/Alcoholic
We will be talking about step 9 today: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
The Twelve Steps are the heart of the OA recovery program. They offer a new way of life that enables the compulsive overeater to live without the need for excess food.
The ideas expressed in the Twelve Steps, which originated in Alcoholics Anonymous, reflect practical experience and application of spiritual insights recorded by thinkers throughout the ages. Their greatest importance lies in the fact that they work! They enable compulsive overeaters and millions of other Twelve-Steppers to lead happy, productive lives. They represent the foundation upon which OA is built.
The Twelve Steps of Overeaters Anonymous
1. We admitted we were powerless over food that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Permission to use the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous
for adaptation granted by AA World Services, Inc.
I will not be substituting the words alcohol and variations as I belong to both programs. However, please do so as you like.
When we procrastinate on this step we procrastinate on getting the results the program promises. Just as we cannot reasonably expect to get all of the results of a recipe when using only part of the ingredients.
Step nine does not have to be done perfectly, just as we have talked about with the other steps. If you become aware of a harm done, that is not part of this round of working the steps, you make direct amends to them as part of your 10th step.
If you find yourself willing to make amends to someone that you heretofore have been unwilling to go to with amends, you do so as part of your 10th step.
If you harm someone today you make amends today. All three situations are covered by the 10th step. Step 9 does not have to be done perfectly. We cannot do this program perfectly and in fact do not need to do so. We just need to pray to be willing.
BB. p76
"We subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal. Now we go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven’t the will to do this, we ask until it comes. Remember it was agreed at the beginning we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."
We talked about Dr Bob’s story in step 8. He had been in the Oxford groups for 2.5 years going to meetings, doing everything the good people asked him to do, reading the Bible, affiliating with a church, and he still went home and got drunk almost every night. It wasn’t until a month after he met Bill Wilson, after 2.5 years in program, that he finally became willing to go to any lengths for victory over alcohol that he was desperate enough to go through the actions required for him to make amends. That was the day he took his last drink. And he started working with others right away the next day!
I suggest that you talk over each amends with your sponsor or trusted advisor. We increase our chances for balance and decrease our chances for self justification and for doing more harm while making amends. I described what I did, what the other person did, how I felt etc. to my sponsor. She helped me stay sane while making amends.
It is possible to get compulsive about making amends. Left to our own devices many of us will want to pay back $10,000 for every dollar taken. And then because we felt we had to pay back 10,000 - 1 we would never even pay back the 1. That is why we need other people when we are getting ready to make amends. We get their opinions. We don’t have to take their opinions as facts, but we do get new ideas. We do not have to do this alone. We have a fellowship and a network. Dr Bob and Bill Wilson talked all about making amends!
If several people offer you the same opinion you may want to consider what they are saying.
The 9th step was designed to be done in concert, not only with a sponsor of friend, but with your Higher Power. The 11th step says, " Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God...." We ask what God’s will is in each situation. We ask for direction and guidance. We ask. Asking is a vital part of the process...not only people, but HP also. You will instinctively know the right answer after a while.
"Remember it was agreed at the beginning that we would go to any lengths for victory over alcohol."
Step 9 frightens a lot of people. I can see why. They misunderstand it and so did I. We talked a lot about one aspect of that in step 8. We do not have to like the people to whom we are making amends! It is also important to remember that we do not HAVE to forgive these people in order to go to them and make amends. To forgive them is an act which may help us to become willing to make amends. Forgiving is an ideal to eventually reach, but it is not necessary to the process of making the amends.
Many of us do not make amends because we think we will have to start a relationship with the person. That is a fallacy. We are doing this for ourselves, to save our own lives.
BB p.77
"At the moment we are trying to put our lives in order. But this is not an end in itself. Our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us."
This whole amends process is designed to get us out of ourselves, to start correcting the harm our character defects have caused others. We know that we won’t be able to stop our coe or drinking without making amends! However, our REAL purpose is to "fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us."
Some of us may not be able to see who we need to make amends with. We do not see the forest for the trees. Sometimes our actions have affected not only the direct person, but also those on the periphery. For instance, my husband, but also his children. Amends go to both the husband and his children. If I only make amends to the husband, they won’t work and both could remain upset and angry.
BB.p77
"Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply tell him that we will never get over drinking until we have done our utmost to straighten out the past. We are there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worth while can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own."
Sometimes it is very difficult to see our part, which may seem non-existent. This is where the input of other people can be very helpful. This is a good example:
A brother and sister had a very close relationship until the new brother was born. His sister then became responsible for taking care of the new brother. He became resentful at the new brother because he had lost his playmate. That resentment was apparent throughout their entire lives.
Even though the new brother was not responsible for being born, he could still regret a situation that caused someone pain. Doesn’t a normal person, a sane person, regret that a situation caused somebody pain, even thought they played no part in it? He went to his brother and expressed his regrets that his being born had caused his brother such pain and said that if there were anything he could do to make it up to him he would try, there was no responsibility involved; he simply expressed an honest regret.
If you are talking to someone and in the middle of the conversation without wanting to, without being able to stop, you let out a big sneeze. It was not done deliberately and was beyond your control. You would still most likely regret that it happened.
Our part is what we regret. We are not assuming responsibility. Responsibility has no part in it.
If we hold onto resentment, the only one being hurt is ourselves. We strive to be ready to let God remove our anger and resentment, so that the people we resent no longer control our lives. If there is someone who make you so uncomfortable that you would not walk into a room when they are present that is a person to whom you need to make amends.
If you were to turn and leave when you see that person you are the one being affected. We are in this program to stop hurting ourselves as well as others. We are not making amends to win a popularity contest. We do not need to have a relationship with these people. We simply cannot have the resentment in our lives and recover.
BB p. 78
"It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. We have made our demonstration, done our part. It’s water over the dam."
It doesn’t matter what they do when we make amends. If they are still angry and resentful towards us and they say, "Get out of here, I want nothing to do with you.", it does not matter. Their response may hurt our feelings, but we did our part. If they hang onto their resentment that is not our problem. We have made our demonstration.
We may find the relationship healed if that is HP’s will. However going to someone we do not like and making amends does not mean we are going to like them now. And we do not have to do so.
What about the people we haven’t seen for 25 years on our list? How do we approach them after so long? Why should we approach them after so long? They probably do not even remember. What is the point? The point is that after 25 years they are still on your list! You may have coe about it! I did.
We are on a life and death errand with this program and are literally trying to save our lives.
What about how weak we might look to some? If you threw a life preserver to a drowning person and they did not take it because it made them look weak to the people on the ship...how sane is that? Step 9 is our life preserver. Ask those who relapse how many have made a 9th step.
BB p.79
"Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything."
WILLINGNESS
However, being compulsives we may want to repay with too much. If we steal a designer pair of jeans we repay with a designer pair of jeans of the same value.
Many of us spent our entire lives trying to get better by changing our behavior. I did. This program works on the problem from the other direction: changing the motive behind the behavior. Once the ideas, the concepts and the motives change, the behavior changes automatically. That does not mean we do not act as if. It does not mean that we do not take action on faith. It simply means that we are going for a full recovery here.
There may be people that you cannot go to or find for some reason. Willingness is enough in that case. It should not be used as a rationalization.
I believe that if there is someone within 500 miles that I can get to in person, then I do. It says direct amends. Further than that a phone call is practical. If they are unreachable by phone then a letter will work. Or a letter works if you do not want the recipient to know where you live. We do not want to get self destructive with this step.
BB p.82
"Sometimes we hear an alcoholic say that the only thing he needs to do is to keep sober. Certainly he must keep sober, for there will be no home if he doesn’t. But he is yet a long way from making good to the wife or parents whom for years he has so shockingly treated. Passing all understanding is the patience mothers and wives have had with alcoholics. Had this not been so, many of us would have no homes today, would perhaps be dead.
The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept he home in turmoil. We feel a man is unthinking when he says that sobriety is enough. He is like the farmer who came up out of his cyclone cellar to find his home ruined. To his wife, he remarked, "Don’t see anything the matter here, Ma. Ain’t it grand the wind stopped blowin’?"
BB p. 83 "A remorseful mumbling that we are sorry won’t fill the bill at all."
We often see a dramatic effect when making amends and start to feel better and then do not complete the list. We are headed for trouble if we do this.
AA 12 and 12. P 39
"More sobriety brought about by the admission of alcoholism and by attendance at a few meetings is very good indeed, but it is bound to be a far cry from permanent sobriety and a contented, useful life. That is just where the remaining Steps of the A.A. program come in. Nothing short of continuous action upon these as a way of life can bring the much-desired result."
My sponsor gave me language to make amends that has helped me immensely. She helped me understand the different elements of making amends.
1. Expression of Sorrow.
2. Offer to make restitution and attempt to set things right.
3. Expression that God willing these things will not be repeated.
Expression of Sorrow can be divided into three categories.
I regret is for the resentments I have for people who harmed me where I have no responsibility.
I apologize is for the situation where we inadvertently hurt another by mistake.
I am sorry, implies guilt, contrition, and remorse for a deliberate wrong doing.
Originally this step was entitled the "Restitution step". Its original purpose was to make an attempt to restore things to the condition they would have been in, if what had happened, had not happened. If we stole money we return it. If we cheat someone out of something we attempt to restore it. If we harm someone we try to repair the damage.
We do not do it again, God willing.
BB p.83
"The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it. Unless one’s family expresses a desire to live upon spiritual principles we think we ought not to urge them. We should not talk incessantly to them about spiritual matters. They will change in time. Our behavior will convince them more than our words."
BB p. 83
"There may be some wrongs we can never fully right. We don’t worry about them if we can honestly say to ourselves that we would right them if we could. Some people cannot be seen-we sent them an honest letter. And there may be a valid reason for postponement in some cases. But we don’t delay if it can be avoided. We should be sensible, tactful, considerate and humble without being servile or scraping. As God’s people we stand on our feet; we don’t crawl before anyone."
It is during step 9 that they promise us new freedoms on p 84 in the BB.
WHAT ARE THE PROMISES?
WHAT IS THIS PHASE OF OUR DEVELOPMENT?
WHEN AND HOW OFTEN DO THE PROMISES MATERIALIZE?
WHEN IS IT APPROPRAITE TO DELAY MAKING AMENDS?
WHY DOES THE NEWCOMER NEED TO MAKE AMENDS AS SOON AS POSSIBLE?
HAVE YOU EVER HAD TO MAKE AMENDS FOR THE WAY YOU MADE AMENDS?
BB 3rd Edition Roman Numeral p. xxvii in The Doctor’s Opinion
"After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again. This is repeated over and over, and unless this person can experience an entire psychic change there is very little hope of his recovery.
On the other hand-and strange as this may seem to those who do not understand-once a psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."
BBp 79
"Reminding ourselves that we have decided to go to any lengths to find a spiritual experience, we ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing. We have to be. We must not shrink at anything."
Please read step 10 in the AA and OA 12 and 12 and p. 84-85
Love, Lanaya
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